why does a nonprofit need so many donations

we take this question as a sign of doubt and therefor stupidity, but we will answer regardless. Our church is following the age old tradition of taking a holy person's teaching and using them for financial gains. Firstly: the members of our clergy are unemployed or have crappy paying jobs. Secondly: we need a gold submarine to reach heaven, it must be gold or else they won't see us coming. Thirdly: our pope needs a bomb-proof bentley coup, in order to preform his popely duties. Fourthly: we need a new church, our current location is a shack hidden in the woods. Finally: we need to build a platinum doghouse for our first prophet Lola the cute.

is there a god

this is a complex question. The answer is both yes and no. Many of you will be relieved to find out that: yes, there is in fact a god and he hates you. Unfortunatetly he was shot out of the sky by the Chinese government testing a new super powerful laser. Damn godless commies!!! note to the chinese government: I'm only kidding please do not send ninjas to kill me. Do not be afraid! the church of julian is working to create an android reincarnation affectionatly known as GOD mach 2. the estimated cost will be an astonishing $100 billion dollars. Please send donations in the form of check or money order, thank you.

why am i reading this

you are reading this because you have taken the first step to attaining enlightenment: Dropping all connections to other religion and paying the church of julian, CONGRATULATIONS! the road to salvation is not an easy one, especially considering the fact that you are stupid. Luckily our all powerful psychic leader has led the way for us. He spent minutes pondering life's most challenging questions and has allowed his followers to pertake in his wisdom. Only the amount of wisdom that a regular human brain can tolerate, Any more would cause fatal seizures like an episode of pokemon. This truth is then given to his most loyal of followers, the Tang-Wu Clan, who then share parts of their knowledge with the rest of mankind via enlightening and gangsta rap lyrics. The church's first mix tape is scheduled to hit a local block near you. Please recognize sucka.

where will mankind end up

before discovering the almighty super cool knowledge bestowed from our leader even we julianist felt anxiety about the future of our civilization. Worry no longer! First and for most global warming is fake, Al Gore created it so that people would listen to what he has to say (he didn't create the internet either.) Even if the world does get warmer it's nothing to worry about, just buy more sunscreen and enjoy our new climate. The ultra-powerful julianist brand of sunscreen is available at www.givememoneyyousuckaasschump.com/sunscreen. Every major city will be moved underwater, this is because the sea will rise and we won't really have a choice.The internet will become our only means of communication and all words will be shortened into annoying internet lingo. A highly trained team of 13 year old girls is working on the translation as we speak. Porn will be the only form of entertainment and sexual devients will become obsolete. Carpal Tunnel syndrom will however become the world's deadliest disease, surpassing aids and the bird flu. All governments will consolidate into one massive and equally useless organization, it will be known as FCKDUP. The only religion will be the only true religion: Julianism

how the earth came to be

the earth is merely a floating pancake is the vast sea of existance. It is not round as geologist feebly attempt to prove. Just look at a satalite image, a perfect 2-D circle! If you don't believe us you should go and jump off the side. This celestial pancake was not created by aliens fuck you twice L Ron Hubbard but by um... a different cooler type of aliens. They made it with lasers. Don't ask any more stupid questions that's all there is to say, period.

the start of mankind

All major religions have failed in answering this fundamental question except scientology, fucking L Ron Hubbard guessed that shit though. Where they have failed, we have succeeded however. Mankind was put on earth by aliens, who made love to a volcano on the bottom of the ocean. The volcano, upon climaxing, spewed this vital essence into the earth's oceans. Thus creating all life as we know it. Evolution is a steamy sack of shit, created in an opium den by Charles Darwin. All fossil evidence is also fake and was planted by opium addicted archeologists. The fact that humans and primates share similar genetic information is explained thusly: in the volcano one of the eggs must have split into two, one being severly retarded and came out as primates. simple huh. This volcano is the secret location of heaven. Not high in the atmosphere as previously theorized (jet liners pilots have been searching for years.) Mankind's only hope for salvation is to reach this amazing location via a magical submarine. This is why we ask for all your monetary donations, not hookers and marijuana! only those who donate $100,000 or greater may know the warmth of heavens under water glow. Those who donate more will of course be holy-est and will have the best seats.

welcome!

are you desperatly seeking salvation, but don't know where to look? seek no longer! our divine leader Pope Julian I, also known as the supreme high dragon king, has learned the secrets of existance and will share it with all who are willing to hear. We have no obligations for our followers. We only ask for a small donation of 10% of your yearly per capita earnings.
all checks can be paid to the order of: Pope Julian I. Search our website and discover the answer to all of man kinds most pressing questions: Where did we come from? Where will mankind be in the future? Why are you still reading this? and many many more.